Ang tunay na Ako

My life is slowly slipping away from me as I write this article… Ewan ko ba pero parang nawawalan na ako ng pag-asang mabuhay… You may already know this pero madaming nakaka-pansin if “emo” ba talaga ako and every time they asked me if “emo” nga ako I tried explaining to them na hindi ako ganun… it’s just that madami lang talaga akong pinag dadaanan na hindi gaanong ka ganda. Dati Oo ganun ako at you would never know the real me unless you see the scars… and if only you could see my heart hindi lang scars ang makikita niyo… lahat na yata ng pains and bitterness makikita niyo dun… Siguro nag tataka kayo if bakit scars? May suicidal tendencies ako… I’ve done it a couple of times na and infact kung pusa lang ako that means I’ve used up all my lives… I only got one more life to waste pero nag bago ako… Binago niya ako completely. Siya ang naging source ng strength and happiness ko, siya ang naging sandalan ko pag nanghihina ako, siya ang naging “lifesaver ko” until that day na nawala siya sa piling ko. We very know well that all things have their own endings and it’s happening to me right now. Now instead of running away from my old self… yung pagiging emo ko… I embrace it…

Nag sasawa na kasi akong makipag laro sa laro ng buhay… talo din naman ako palagi eh so what’s the use of trying if in the end all I get is pain, a bucket of tears and a bruised heart. You may think that I’m crazy or something pero this is the old me… Bigla kong na alala yung mga times na hindi pa ako malala, I used to be a jolly person, used to play a lot, tease a lot, laugh a lot… “Laugh…” kalian ba yung huling genuine laugh na ginawa ko? Hindi na yata maalala… ganun na ba katagal na hindi ako tumatawa? Bigla kong na-miss yung pag-tawa ahh. Pero it’s all in the past now… I don’t think may natitirang reason pa ako para tumawa or kahit mabuhay. I cannot feel myself… parang hollow ako… have you felt that feeling? If you do ‘wag kang mag alala kasi I can feel your pain and if not be thankful cause you haven’t been broken yet.

All I want is to feel that somehow I’m needed, that I’m loved, and that I’m a part of other people’s life. Ang sarap siguro ng ganun? Yung gigising ka every morning knowing that there is this special someone thinking of you that very moment, sarap sigurong harapin ang problema knowing that you have that person para samahan kang lagpasan yung problema nay un, sarap mabuhay kahit salat ka sa lahat ng bagay kapag may nag papalakas sayo at nag bibigay ng pag mamahal… “Pag-mamahal…” Yan ang ‘di ko naramdaman… well, siguro naramdaman ko din pero fake love lang but at least kahit fake, love pa rin yun ‘di ba? Kaso ayoko ng umasa na may darating na tao sa buhay ko para mahalin ako… No, hindi lang naman sa “gf” pwedeng makuha yung kind of love na hinahanap ko, kahit sino pwede na! Kahit friend, family, kapit bahay or yung tambay sa kanto basta tanggap ako at bibigyan ako ng importansya.

Haayy… if there’s someone out there who’s willing to help me… I’m willing to listen… Please wake me up before it’s too late… pero I don’t think there’s a single soul out there who is willing to befriend me… sino ba naman ang gusting mag karoon ng kaibigang tulad ko? I’m so pathetic, I hope before this day ends maayos ko buhay ko… I’m starting to lose hope… ‘till next time… if there’s such thing as next time… please don’t hate me



*it happened to me a few months back