self denial....

I'm starting to lose hope. Weeks from now she'll be having the operation. I don't want to lose her baby. It's like killing her own child just because she's afraid that her unborn child will go out deformed or mentally challenge. I told you before that she tried taking some sort of an abortion pill a month ago. After she told me that she's gonna continue her pregnancy I felt sick. Why? What more can I do when she finally made up her mind. Last night I was watching this documentary 'bout teenagers having their pregnancy aborted and God I almost throw up when they showed hundreds of unborn children stacked like they were some sort of trash. It wasn't a pretty sight I tell you. Weird, but when I changed channel the other T.V station was also showing a documentary 'bout young girls who died during the operation ( abortion). Is this some sort of a premonition? I don't want to lose her..not in a million years. Actually I don't even understand myself, why am I so attached to her? She's just a friend.... or is it just I'm only convincing myself that she's " just only a friend" Is it possible that I'm falling for her?

Why me?

Lately I've been asking myself why do they (my friends) always ask my help whenever they got problems. Whether it maybe as big as the titanic or as small as Stuart Little they always run to me with their baggage full of problems. Don't get me wrong. I like helping them in anyway I can but "why me?". Why me? I'm not even a trained psychologist...I'm just a friend...their "kuya". (by the way kuya is the tagalog word for big brother) I'm so blessed 'cause I have some of the most wonderful friend here in our place. They are my strength, my source of happiness and my lifesavers. Without them I don't think I would be here writing this journals. Although sometimes I can't help it but to feel alone whenever they are not here with me. Whenever I have problems I am left alone most of the time trying to figure out how to solve it on my own....I hate being alone...

"im having an abortion soon"

Last night we had a very long conversation 'bout my friend's situation..'bout her having a baby a couple of months from now. And guess what? She's finally got a way to end all of this.. and I swear after I heard whats her plan I almost throw up. She's going to abort the baby! What!?! I feel like I was in a dream..a very bad one. After all those advices that I gave her this past week sa Abortion din pala babagsak. I don't know how to react on her decision that she'll have to abort it because she's afraid that her baby will come out deformed or mentally disabled due to some abortion pills that she bought last month. I will not give up on her. I know there is someway I can change her mind. Abortion? I don't think it's the solution to this problem. There has to be another way. Never did I consider having an abortion an option to solve unwanted teenage pregnancy. My God! It should be called killing and not abortion. By the way back to her, she said to me that she was planning to do it a couple of days from now, my times running out I have to convinced her not to do it. I have to make her understand that what she's planning to do is not good at all. Wish me luck and may God bless me

" kuya i'm pregnant"

Last Sunday I received a text message from one of my friends and I swear if I hadn't holding the stair railings I would probably slip, fell and died instantly. My heart was pounding real loud that I couldn't hear anything nor even think properly. I read it again, and again and again hoping that I was just hallucinating but I ain't. I read it slowly this time.. " kuya im so sorry, alam kong nakakahiya itong sasabihin ko but im pregnant.. please help me..."

Ha?!? ano kamo? buntis ka? I asked myself this quetions. I tried to remain calm but I can't. Tell me how can I remain calm when your friend...your closest friend is having a baby five months from now. Yup you read it right "5 months" (by the way she's already 4 months pregnant now) How? When? and for Christ's sake
Why! Your still young and you have a great future ahead of you, bakit mo nagawa yan? She was crying on the other end of the phone while I was bombarding her with these questions. I tried to make her smile with my corny jokes and thank God it paid off. I was so confused that moment and when my mind begins to clear I asked her Who's the father? She reluctantly said it was her bf. What going to happen to her now? will she continue her pregnancy or will she abort it for the fear of being rejected by her parents? I love my sister so much that I will do my very best to support her all the way....

We all need to be Loved

I hate being all alone or being left behind. I don't know but it scares the hell out of me just thinking about it. As I looked back I can say that I had a fair share of this feelings... All my so-called friends left me, my family broke up and i was left all alone, I had four past relationships in the past and I can tell you that It ain't pretty. My point here is that I'm so TIRED of being left behind. I just wanna be loved thats all. Is it that hard for them to do that? I'm not that bad although I have some flaws but hey who hasn't? I'm tired of this silly game called life... I kept on loosing. My heart ached for some love...any kind of love will do. I hope sooner or later I will find her. And even if I have search Heaven or Hell I'll do that. Sorry if I sound kinda sad right now, I just can't help it. I'll do anything just to have a friend...

Power of the pen

It is God who created everything with words. And it is also Jesus
(the word) who became flesh. Such is the power of words, and we often take this power for granted. So much so, that our character can be judge by the words we speak But do we take caution with the words that we utter? That is a question I will leave you to reflect on.

If this is the power of the spoken word, how much for the written word that is immortalized in pen and paper? It is as if you have captured your very essence in that writing you have made. Your very being is in what you have created and what you have created will last forever.

As a writer looking back at what you have written, let's say a few years ago can be an interesting experience. It is a whole spectrum of emotions ranging from hilarious laughter as to how you how written something so silly, to raging anger as to how naive you were at that time you wrote that piece. It may also be a self-discovery as to how much you have grown and matured with the many ideas that you have expressed in paper.

It is an experienced to relive because all the details can be remembered. All the senses are awake: the ears can remember every rhythm and every melody; the eyes can remember every shades and colors; All this feelings can be relived.

This is one of the things that writing can offer. This one of it's magic that endears so many followers.

The future is the first shaped by words; the past is immortalized in writing them and the present is waiting to be written....

I love her but I can't be with her

I love her but I can't be with her nor I can't even hold her hands and tell her that I love her. You see, I met this wonderful girl a few weeks back. And ever since that day, wala na akong ibang inisip kundi sya and the way she treated me. I have loved her from the moment I lay my eyes on her, she's so special to me and I can't even imagine my life without her by my side. She means a lot to me in fact she's all I've got. Without her, my life seems so empty. I can't even concentrate in everything I do. Tell me? how can you concentrate if the only person thats been creeping in my mind is her. Not a single day will pass by without the thought of her and her love in my mind. I hate this feeling, I love her but I can't be with her, I love her but I can't even hold her, I love her but We can't be together as a couple. I could give you a million reasons why I love her but I can't even think of a single reason why I have to hate her. I love every single part of her... her eyes,mouth, her smile.... her voice. I love you...yes "Y-U-O" I love you honey....


P.S
I hope you'll let me love you... I can't face the fact that one day your gonna leave me camille

No one really cares for me

I hate to wake up each morning knowing that, here I am all alone and I'm forced to face the day alone. It's been quite a while now since I last felt that I am wanted by anybody. I missed being loved and I can't even remember when was the last time that I'm loved. Feeling ko kasi sobrang nag-iisa ako doto sa mundong ito. All my life I've been searching for that someone who will make my life complete.... kaso when I finally thought that nakita ko na sya...tsaka naman sya aalis or biglang mawawala without any valid reason. DAMN!! Hindi ko malaman kung sadyang malas lang ako sa kaibigan or sadyang pinaglalaruan lang ako ng tadhana. Ang gusto ko lang naman na mangyari is makahanap ako ng isang tao na magmamahal sa akin... madalas pag namamasyal ako sa mall particularly sa megamall, naging past time ko na yung pag tingin sa aga magka-relasyon. God knows na sobrang naiinggit ako sa kanila and the more I think about it mas lalong nakakaramdam ako ng kirot sa puso ko. I don't know kung ako lang ang nakakaramdam nito or may ibang tao dyan sa tabi-tabi na katulad din ng sitwasyon ko... sana sooner or later that "someone" will come knocking on my door.

hold me and don't let go

I'm afraid to let her know how much she really means to me pero if I don't do something baka tuluyang umalis na siya at lumayo and i CAN'T imagine my life without her by my side. I really-really LOVE her. Maybe your wondering na sobrang corny ko noh? Pero I can't help it. You see, before I met her she was just a friend...a simple friend but one day I realized that slowly I was falling in love with. At first I thought it was just a simple infatuation but soon I realized that it wasn't just an infatuation....i was really falling in love with her... Everyday I found myself daydreaming about "us" being together doing things like holding hands with her,having dates and all. But how can we even do that if she isn't even my girlfriend... Telling her the truth about my feelings for her can have consequences. Either she will love me back or she will be shocked and instantly leave me... I guess I wouldn't know the answer unless I pop up the question...."will you be my angel camille?"

Why is this happening to me?

Last night was one of the best night I ever had with my 'lil sister... We actually talked for almost 11 hours or so. Anyway, as usual we talked about almost anything we could think of, from our crushes, our family and friends, problems and heartaches. And as usual we also talked about our love for each other. Then she suddenly sat there silently...not talking to me, she just stared at the dark sky. Then after a few minutes she finally said something, "thank you for loving me kahit 'di pwede maging tau " she said.
"Huh? anu na naman yun?" I told her. Finally she told me her problem, the problem that's been eating her up this past few weeks..... "kuya may cyst ako" "I may not live that long and thats why I thanked you" she said with tears welling up in her eyes. I was shocked sa mga sinabi niya..how? paano nya nakuha yun? Why is it that lahat ng taong mahal ko ay kinukuha ng maaga sa akin. I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can Bless them, and I find myself wondering why out of all the people I could have loved, I had to fall for someone destined to be taken away from.... why?

The Best things in Life are for Free

Whoever told that the best things in life are for free...he's right. Recently I met this girl through a friend of mine. Her Name is Camille and by God I swear she's one of the sweetest girl I've ever met in my entire boring existence. She's only a freshman in our local high school in our town. Sobrang thankful ako 'cause I have her as my 'lil sister. She's sweet, caring, thoughtful, kind, fun to talk to, smart, and not to mention she's kinda pretty too(don't you think?) Anyway, what started as a casual friendship turned into a little bit deeper... we started to call each other pet names..hehehehe and soon we were telling each other "I-love-yous" I never thought na magkakaroon ako ng isang katulad niya as my friend. A friend who is always there when ever I needed someone to talk to, she NEVER FAILS to lift me up when i'm down. To be honest with you(whoever you are) SOBRANG mahal na mahal ko yung kapatid ko na iyon and I would do ANYTHING for her as in lahat gagawin ko maging masaya lang sya. I may sound a little bit corny..i don't care. Kaso may problema, I hate to say it but I think I'm falling for her. Maybe I'm just a little bit confused but damn the felling seems so real and so intense. I don't think if I can hold it anymore. I don't know if I can lie anymore about my feelings... Sometimes life isn't fair...well in my case I'm always stuck with this kind of problems... "love problems". Maybe were better off as friends, as her "kuya". But that doesn't mean that I'll stop loving her, that won't happen. I can't and I won't stop loving her...that I promise. I will be forever be in love with her... Thank you "baby q0h!".