Panakip butas... "matututunan ko din syang mahalin"

I hate it when I see those couples who are holding hands while strolling whether in the malls or just in our street.. It makes me think about all my past relationships that I had... Don't get me wrong it's just that I really miss those times that somehow somebody loves you with all their heart. Corny pero ganun talaga yung na iisip ko pag may nakikita akong couples that are happy. Na iinggit siguro ako sa kanila, After every break ups I had lagi na lang ako yung talunan, ewan ko ba kung bakit ito naisipan kong isulat, siguro dahil sa daming nag brebreak na couples lately.. ikaw how do you cope up sa break ups?

A.)Do you cry a river of tears?
B.)Do you immense yourself sa work?
C.)Do you hang out with friends just to forget your X
or...
D.) are you the type na mag entertain kaagad ng suitors and sasagutin sila agad for you to forget your bitter past?

May mga naka usap na akong girls na yung letter D ang answer nila... sad but true. Siguro takot silang mag-isa or takot sila na walang mag mahal sa kanila pero for me it shouldn't be that way. Kasi parang ginawa mo lang siyang panakip butas and usually ang isasagot mo ay "matututunan ko naman syang mahalin" or "hindi sya mahirap mahalin"

I know how it feels to be a replacement for the love that once lost. Basta mahirap yung ganoong pakiramdam na malalaman mo in the end that naging isang kagamitan ka lang para matulungan mo syang makalimutan yung X nya. Lalo na pag lahat ginawa mo para lang mahalin ka nya tulad ng pag mamahal mo sa kanya. Minsan life and love itself isn't fair... you have done everything and anything that she/he likes for him/her to love you pero in the end you'll soon find out that everything that you have done was in vain....

Takot akong Mag -Isa

Takot akong mag isa... ewan ko ba pero by this time I should have mastered the art of being alone.. you see all my life I've this "wallpaper"( a person who is always hanging around but totally invisible sa mga taong nakakasama niya) it is as if I don't exist.. mag mula nung elementary ako up to this time I've been alone.. don't get me wrong, nag karoon din ako ng mga kaibigan in the past which sadly to say that "it" didn't last... it's either nawalan kami ng means of communication or tuluyang nakalimutan na lang nila ako at unti-unting lumayo sila sa akin. Kaya ganoon na lang ang pag papahalaga ko sa mga kaibigan ko ngayon, sa mga taong nagpapakita ng pag mamahal sa akin...

Pag mamahal? Ang tagal na yata na may nag paramdam nun sa akin... it would surely be nice if maramdaman ko ulit yun. I know there are a handful na nag sasabing mahal nila ako at hindi nila ako iiwan pero they can't blame me if nahihirapan na akong magtiwala.. Yes I trust them pero it's just that ayokong umasa.. lahat kasi ng nagsabi sa akn na hindi nila ako iiwan is nowhere to be found ngayon.. in short nawala din sila at binali nila yung mga pangako nila.. I know that they are sincere when they told me na hindi nila ako iiwan... I just have to make sure... ayoko ng masaktan ulit.

Lahat gagawin ko mahanap ko lang yung "tunay" na kaibigan. I know I may sound unfair sa mga taong nag tatry ng best nila para ipadama yung love nila for me.. And believe me I really appreciate it. Earlier I said the word na "tunay na kaibigan", ano ba yun for me? Siguro enough na yung a friend that will never leave me kahit isang tambak ang problema ko, a friend that will laugh with me and even cry with me, a friend that that cares. I'm really desperate right now, I hope that my set of friends right now will not leave me.. It will surely be the end of me pag nawala sila... sa kanila lang ako kumukuha ng lakas pag I feel like the whole world turns it's back on me... I need some love... love, which ipinag kait sa akin ng mga magulang ko, mga former friends and not to mention my past relationships....nakakatawa ngang isipin pero minsan halos mamalimos na ako ng pag mamahal sa mga ibang tao... weird pero true.... palimos naman ng pag mamahal.... kahit konti lang...

Bakit bawal tayo

I have once met this girl back when I was only 18. Her name is boo, half Singaporean half filipina... in short she's kinda cute pero the only problem was she's already my my best friend's girl. So, in short she wasn't available. Pero kahit na hindi ko sya pwedeng ligawan(as if naman marunong akong mangligaw) naging good friends kami, she would tell me secrets that she can't even tell her BF, thoughts na sya lang ang nakakaintindi, at mga events sa buhay nya na sya lang ang nakaka alam. Naging masaya ako sa kanya and eventually nakalimutan ko na yung part na mahal ko sya(romantically)... don't get me wrong, mahal ko pa rin sya pero as friends lang... good friends. Months passes as if it was days... then one day nag absent siya from our class and I was kinda worried kasi she never misses a class. I tried calling her pero she won't answer my calls. I'm becoming really worried na. The following days she hasn't shown up and by this time sobrang gulong gulo na ako... I tried to remain calm pero I just can't seem to get my mind awaty from her.

Then one day I receive a call from her and told me to meet her sa isandg mall sa Madaluyong, I was about to ask her kung bakit siya biglang nawala ng ilang araw at bakit 'di siya nag paparamdam when she hunged up the phone. I instantly pick up my things and I went to our supposedly meeting place.

When I got there I could barely recognize her.. She has change drastically.. I couldn't even saw her smile. When she saw me she instantly hugged me real tight and nung moment na yun parang kinabahan ako.. I tried to set aside my thoughts when she told me that she's sorry... Ha? soory for what? I thought she was saying sorry for not showing up these past few days pero I was wrong, She finally said why she said sorry to me... "kuya I'm sorry.. but I'm pregnant..." Ha?!!!!? Bakit? Kanino? and since when? hindi nya sinagot yung mga tanong ko and instead she just hugged me even tighter. I can feel her body tremble.. I tried to call her and thank GOD kasi nag calm down siya...

She told me that it was my best friend yung dad ng baby nya. I was shocked and I swear nasaktan ako.. I asked her nasaan na sya(my best friend) sabi nya iniwanan daw sya. DAMN IT! Bakit nya ginawa yun? At bakit ka pumayag na may nangyari sa inyo? pero parang nabingi siya sa mga tanong ko.. Wala na siya nasa states na sya... Na aawa ako kay Boo
sa mga nagyayari sa kanya. She was crying most of the time until we decided na ipag patuloy nya yung baby. Ulila na siya and walang gaanong kaibigan kaya I volunteered to help her...


To make this long story short, I become the acting father sa baby nya. Months passed and naging kami rin officially. We love each other so much and yun na siguro ang isa sa mga pinaka masasayang araw ng buhay ko. When the baby was born she named it after me... KRISNA. Masaya na sana ako when that dreadful day came.. my best friend was back here in Manila and was looking for my Boo. Being not so selfish I let him see her and his baby.. I could not forget the looked on my Boo's face.. she was happy.. genuine happiness was etched in her face. I felt real bad that day. Hindi naman talaga ako heavy drinker pero nag inom talaga ako that day na parang wala ng bukas.. Nagseselos ako! Yun ang laging sumasagi sa utak ko. When I got to my Boo's plce nakita ko silang mag kayak and they looked so happy.. when my friend left, I talkd to her and asked if she still love my friend despite of all the hardships na dinanas niya and I asked her if she still love me.. her answer took me completely by surprise " sorry hon, I know madami ka ng ginawa for me and my daughter pero nung nakita ko siya parang nag balik yung dating pag mamahal na pilit kong kinalimutan..." Ha?!? mahal mo pa rin sya? Bakit? pero all she can say is that she's sorry.... Ngayon ko lang narealize na ginawa lang akong panakip butas. I love her kaya I decided na lumayo na lang ako sa kanya.. I have to give way para sa pag mamahal niya sa friend ko. And besides ayw ko lumaki yung baby na hindi nya kasama yung tunay na dad nya... I love her and so I let go of her.. too bad kasi hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa... after that, I turned around and left. Leaving all those memories of her. Mahal ko siya and so I set her free...




*sorry dahil mahaba ang article ko

Selda 14

Maybe your wondering if bakit ganito yung mga articles ko.. siguro madami lang akong napag daanan na hindi gaanong kaganda... sa tuwing makikita ko itong picture na ito lagi ko na aalala ang mom ko. Maybe your wondering what's the connection? Let me show you a glimpse of my past:


When my parents broke up I was left in my mom's custody and I thought every things gonna be alright between me and my mom but I spoke too soon.. The heaven that I was expecting turned out to be HELL. My life since then become miserable. Akala ko magiging mas maayos ang buhay ko pero I was wrong. Nag simula lahat nung unang araw ko nahuli ang mom ko with this man... I won't tell you what I saw but I guess parang gets mo na di ba? Anyway dun nag simula yun... sa pang lalaki ng mom ko. Lahat ng sustento ng dad ko for us ay ginagastos ng mom ko dun sa bf nya. Even my tuition fee was been used up dahil dun sa pesteng lalaki nya. Dahil sa mga pangyayaring iyon naging rebelde ako. At sino naman ang hindi magrerebelde sa sitwasyon ko. Nahinto ako sa pag aaral because of my mom's bf and dun na nag simula ang impyerno ng buhay ko. Tell me sino ba ang nasa matinong pag iisip na patigilin ang anak nya dahil sa kabit nya? I begun to fight back, nag rebelde ako, nag simula na din ako mag kabisyo. Nung napapansin ng mom ko ang pag babago ko instead of breaking up with her bf mas lalong pinag higpitan ako. Hindi na ako nakakalabas ng bahay, and to make matters worst lumipat na sa bahay namin yung guy at pag nalalasing sya sa hospital ang bagsak ko dahil madalas ginagawa akong punching bag ng lalaking iyon. Sobrang na aawa ako sa sarili ko palagi, parang wala ng katapusan ang pahirap sa akin, madalas hindi nila ako tinitiran ng pag kain,kinukulong ako sa "selda 14" yan ang tawag ko sa room ko dahil I'm a prisoner of my own room. BAWAL LUMABAS! yan ang batas sa bahay. Kakain ka lang if tapos na silang kumain at maswerte ka if may matitira sayo na ulam madalas kasi kanin lang ang kinakain ko. I wasn't aloud to use the phone for their fear na mag susumbong ako sa ibang tao. Madalas ginagawang ash tray ang likod ko ng bwisit na taong yun.. when that happens wala akong mahingan ng tulong. I don't have friends... All I have was myself. I really wish I would die during one of those beatings sa akin ng bf nya... siguro you would say that sa telenovela lang yun nangyayari pero sad to say it really happened to me and how I wished that sana isang bangungot lang yun ng buhay ko... na kahit anong oras pwede akong gumising at sabihin sa sarili na " panaginip lang pala yun"

I wish those " i love you's" you kept on saying was mine

I really don't know what's happening to me lately.. I'm talking about my heart. Yes, in my previous entries nabanggit ko nga na "medyo" in love ako pero... how can it survive if laging binabalewala yung pagmamahal ko sa kanya, pakiramdam nya isang malaking "biro" ang pag mamahal ko sa kanya. It's really fraustrating kasi hindi ko mapaabot sa kanya yung pag mamahal ko. I know it's quite too early para magkaganito ako sa kanya.. and to think hindi pa naman "kami" . Damn! isa pa yung problem na yun... I really don't think na magiging kami.. nakakahiya mang aminin pero she's already taken. Ang laki kong tanga. Just imagine I have fallen to a girl na may boyfriend na, although her bf is a bastard kasi lagi syang pinaiiyak at inaaway. Come to think of it bakit ba napupunta sa mga walang kwenta ang mga pinaka matitinong tao dito sa mundo? Ewan siguro ganun lang talaga magbiro ang tadhana. Sorry if wala ng kwenta itong article ko... wala talaga ako sa katinuan right now because of whats happening to me. Everyday I prayed that those "i love you's" that she keeps telling on her boyfriend was mine.. hindi ko matanggap na binabalewala nung guy yung girl na pinakamalaga sa akin.



*it happened a long time ago...