9/29/08


Nahihirapan ako now, parang lahat ng mga bad memories ko
(as if naman may good memory ako) ay sabay-sabay ko naiisip... ewan ko kung bakit ako nag kaka ganito ulit. I tried changing my ways especially when it comes sa pagiging negative thinker ko pero tell me... how can I be positive if lahat na nangyayari sa akin now is negative. I know hindi naman lahat eh puro negative may ilan-ilang mga positive din pero ang point ko is how can I continue living or paano ako magiging masaya if wala naman reason to be happy. For quite sometime now I've been trying to change pero whenever I found a single reason to change tsaka naman ako bibigyan ng mundo ng a hundred reason to feel bad and depressed again. I'm sorry sa lahat ng sumusubok na bigyan ako ng strenght para mag bago siguro hindi pa ito yung right time... pero I swear mag babago din ako... bigla ko na alala yung isang friend ko who recently said goodbye to me... I really thought she would never leave me pero heto ako ngayon at nag iisa ulit.. I know somehow she love me pero hindi pala... naaawa lang pala sya sa akin. Ang sakit nun for me... I know I am weak pero I'm still trying to change.. hindi lang nya ako nahintay. nakaklungkot talaga kasi I really thought she's the one that I've been waiting for... Habang binabasa ko ang message nya sa akin sa friendster parang tinutusok ang puso ko I know it may sound a little bit corny pero I swear yun yung nararamdaman ko habang binabasa ko yung bawat salita ng message nya... Hindi ko talaga sya maintindihan... Dapat sanay na ako sa ganitong feeling na laging iniiwan pero to tell you the truth nasasaktan pa rin ako. I will surely miss her... ok lang sana if iniwan nya ako as a lover pero she's not just my love.... she's also one of my few remaining friends... I hate being dumped...

I'm sorry if walang sense itong article ko... Actually hindi ko din maintindihan ang sarili ko eh...


She said: "kaya ako nadisappointed sayo napakaweak mo kasi auko ng ganyan. at saka ung dating kala ko love n hindi pla naaawa lang ko sayo...."

"I have to go Saul." these were the last words that came out of her mouth before she left. It's been 3 months now since she left me and ever since I'd always wanted to see her again... always I'd hope that one day she'd come back to me....



It's only 5:00 am when I got out of my bed. My mother saw me going down the stairs, " Where are you going? It's too early!"

" Of course, school. Where else? And I'm late... real late!" I replied.

"It's Saturday, don't you remember?" my mother shouted.

"Oh silly me!" I said, smiled and went to bed again.

I was sitting at the edge of my bed when the phone rang. I rushed to it, hoping it was Pillow. But to my dismay, it was John. He told me that Pillow was here. It seems my heart leaped for joy. I barely heard what John said after.

"Where is she?" I asked

"She's in our school waiting for you!"
After hearing the good news I immediately dressed up and went to school.

I saw her by the gate, " Pillow!" I shouted. I saw her head bow down, I didn't know why. I didn't care anymore,all I knew was that she finally came back.

"Pillow I missed you so much!" I said while hugging her tightly, so tight that she can hardly breath.

"I came here to tell you something" she said

"Tomorrow morning go to my house and I'll tell you what it is." She said.

After that short conversation with her she went to her father inside the car and went home.

I was excited. I was so happy that day. I thought of the things we'd done before, until my mother called me for dinner. After eating I went to bed but something's not right. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned the whole night thinking of her.. it felt weird.

I woke up early that morning with a big smile in my face.. When I was at their house we sat and she started to talk.

"I will be leaving for America on Monday." she said with teary eyes.

" WHAT!!!! your leaving me again? Why? You just arrived and now this.... why?" I said while gasping for air.

" I'm sorry but theres something wrong." she said while her head bowed down.

"What? is it your studies? Why did you leave me before without even saying goodbye to me? But Pillow...." I hadn't finished what I'm saying when she spoke.

"I left just to forget you. I did everything just to forget you. I had used someone else but something had happened and now.... I'm pregnant."

"What you left me for 3 months and now your here saying that your pregnant! I've waited for so long for you to come back and now I had been so stupid waiting for someone who wasn't even mine?"

"You know, I just don't know why I have to explain to you. And to think your just my ex boyfriend." she said angrily with gloomy eyes.

"Yes I just happened to be your ex boyfriend but I still care for you.. I still love you. My love for you never faded all this time.. your still my one and only you." I said and turned my back.

"Why.. Why.. Why just now. I'd been waiting for you to tell me that somehow you'd still love me and if you say that you did love me why should all of these things have to happen...? She did not say a word. I left with tears in my eyes and anger in my heart....She left a few days after we talked and I realized that when she left me... she brought my heart with her. And now here I am cold, lonely and broken...



*This happened a few years back

"miss ko na sya"... bulong ng aking sarili... "miss ko na ang tunay nyang pag mamahal...."


Lagi itong sumasagi sa aking isipan. Bakit mo pa kasing kailangan mag-bago? .... Nami-MISS ko na tuloy ang tunay mong pag mamahal...

NAalala ko noong sinagot mo ako, napaka saya ko noon kasi ikaw ang kaunaunahang babae na nagtiwala sa akin. Ang unang babae na nag pahalaga at nag mahal sa akin. ngunit ngayon Ngunit ngayon kahit sinasabi mong mahal mo ako, 'di ko maramdaman ang pag mamahal na iyon.

Kahit nasa tabi kita feeling ko miss na miss kita... Gusto kong bumalik ang dating "ikaw" ... NAg-iba ka na, pero para sa akin mahal pa rin kita... nandito lang ako at naghihintay na ika'y bumalik.

Sa ngayon hindi ko alam if ipag papatuloy ko pa rin ang relasyon natin... 'ni hindi ko nga alam if sa akin ka pa rin... hindi ko alam if ako pa rin ang tinitibok ng puso mo... Ngayong darating na ang kaarawan natin, ang hinihiling ko lang ay bumalik ang dati mong pagtingin na matagal ko ng inaasam. Ayaw kong mapag isa ulit.. gusto na kitang makasama ulit kasi....

I really-really miss you

* This was my last letter to my ex-gf... the following day she broke up with me because she's pregnant and guess who's the father... my best friend

9/25/08


I cried myself to sleep last night because I really feel bad about what's happening to me lately... this is not the real Saul. If my memory serves me right I used to be a jolly person, I laugh a lot, I like teasing my friends... but lately parang biglang nag iba ako. Ewan ko kung bakit It's just that I feel that my life is slowly slipping away from me.. you may not understand me... heck I don't even understand myself (sigh..). Someone told me
(ennaesor) that...

"ang sabi mo kahit nagheal na lahat ng scars from your past., the pain still remain..

naisip mo na ba kung baket??

kasi ayaw mong i-let go ang past.. nangyari na yun lahat eh! and it all happened for a reason!!

pano ka tutulungan., iintindihin., at mamahalin ng iba... kung ikaw mismo sa sarili mo, hindi mo yun magawa.."


Tama sya, kaso how? 'Ni hindi ko man lang mabitaw-bitwan yung mga memories na yun kasi it's all I have.. although I know most of my memories aren't that good but when I think of those memories that's the only time I can be with my past friends... the only time I can see them once more kahit sinaktan nila ako in the past. Call me pathetic but I just can't let go kasi wala naman akong good memories na ipapalit sa mga memories that I have right now. How? I think I know how to end this pero I'm gonna need sometime to mend my broken self. I know I'm not really alone... I know there are a handful of souls who really cares for me... And believe me when I say that I really thank them for having the patience trying to convince me that they care and that they love me... hey I just realized that kahit pa paano 'di pala ako nag iisa... Siguro It's time to let go of those bittersweet memories... time to move on.




Once I had a heart of stone
For it had surely lost its home
It could not love or wanted too
But in my life, then came you.

The stones began to fall away
As happiness began to fill my day
A feeling so sweet and special too
Could this be love, I pray is true.

My heart now sings a song of love
For I know that it was sent from above
My heart is warm, there is no cold
Hard no more, but with wings of gold.

It soars above the sky so high
Sometimes I think of why and cry
My heart now sings a loving song
For the part of me I thought was gone.

The gift that you have given me
Is so important, can't you see
No more sadness or being alone
For now my heart returns to home.



for my life saver

9/24/08


Bakit ba ako laging nag-iisa? yan ang tanong ko lagi sa sarili ko... Bakit ba lagi akong iniiwan ng mga taong pinaka mamahal ko? Bakit sa dami-daming tao dito sa mundong ito eh ako na lang dinadapuan ako ng mga ganitong klaseng problema? Nakaka-sawa na kasi eh... actually I really don't know why I'm still holding to to my life na para naman walang kakapuntahan.. I know your wondering if bakit ganito ang mga sinusulat ko dito.. actually hindi ko rin alam. Siguro nag-hahanap lang ako ng makakaintindi sa akin.. nag hahanap lang ako ng konting pagmamahal na kahit kailan ay ipinag damot sa akin. Mag mula sa mga magulang ko especially my mom and my two siblings.. just imagine this sino ba naman ang nasa tamang pag-iisip na ipapakulong ang anak nila dahil lang sa ayaw ko kumampi sa kanila.
Hindi ako rebelde.. It's just that hindi ko lubos na maisip yung ginagawang pang lalalake ng nanay ko habang ang dad ko ay nag papaka-kuba sa kakatrabaho. I know hiwalay sila pero it doesn't mean na kailangan gawin nya yun sa dad ko. At kapag hindi ako sumunod sa kanila 'di nila ako pinapakain. I know you wouldn't believe me pero ano mapapala ko sa pag sisinungaling. Ilang paso ng sigarilyo ang tiniis ko sa kanila, ilang hagupit ang tinanggap ko at ilang mura ang sinabi sa akin ng nanay ko. I know it all happened a few years back pero even though the scars have all healed mananatiling buhay pa rin sa alaala ko ang mga mapapait na karanasan ko with them.

All my life I've been cheated, broken and been hurt by those who sworn to love me... LOVE? I really don't believe in those things anymore, hindi ko na alam if mababago pa ang pananaw kong ito after all I have been through. Pero deep inside of me, I still long for the day that someone would actually love me.. hindi ko hinahangad na mahalin ako as thier boyfriend... kahit as friends pwede na yun as long as they would love me...

Ang sarap sigurong gumising sa umaga na may nagmamahal sa iyo. Sana someday maranasan ko yung feeling na yun kasi it would really make me feel that somehow I'm alive... I had been in-love a couple of times pero lahat sila iniwan ako. I don't know if ako yung may kasalanan. Siguro ako nga.... Yung 1st gf ko iniwan ako kasi nabuntis sya ng friend nya and my 2nd gf... I left her after I caught her doing some nasty stuff with my "friend" and lastly my 3rd gf left me without even saying good bye and months later I finally knew why did she left me... and guess what... she's pregnant!!!! Kaya hindi mo ako masisisi if mag kaganito ako.. All I really wanted is just to be love... yun lang wala ng iba... Love na hindi ko man lang naranasan.... now let me ask you... will you be that someone that I've been waiting for all my life? or are just going to ignore me like all of those people around me?

Have you ever been broken by the very same person you hold most dear? I guess you have, but let me ask you something. After that person hurt you and made you feel somewhat empty or broken inside who do you run to? Some of us would probably say they would seek refuge in our God, our family, friends or maybe even to0 their boyfriend or their girlfriend. But what if you have no one else to run to? You have no one else to make you feel better or loved. That really sucks right? What if the only person you trust most in your life is the very same person who had hurt you?
Recently, I found myself in that stinking situation. I really find it hard to wake up each morning knowing that I am all alone again and to make matters worst she left a very big hole inside of me. The feeling gets worst every time I saw stuffs that would remind me of her, everywhere I looked its her face I see. She's been with me just a couple of months but I have never been this attached to anyone. Someone told me that the hardest part of separating is not on the feeling of letting go... not in the part of saying your goodbye's but going through every damn day and having to remember it.. I guess that person is right.. I just can't believe that this is happening to me (again..) You see, I met her at the time that I really needed someone to help me overcome the pain that I was feeling because of my breakup with my former girlfriend.. she's been good to me... she stood by me all along... she taught me to trust again... but most of all she help me move on and taught me to love again... then after all that happened I suddenly thought of this, " she helped me forget my sad story and yet... she started another one...". Sometimes when I watch those cheesy love stories and the couple ends up together I sometimes feel kinda weird. I just hate happy endings.. I really don't get it. I'm thinking that no matter how happy the ending was still... it has ended.

9/21/08



I think I found myself a new friend... her name is AVIEL. Weird name for a girl right? Anyway she's just a couple of years younger than me but when it comes of comforting me whenever I'm down I feel like she's older than me. She's from Bulacan and currently a high school student, Beaty plus brains equals AVIEL. Lately pag nalulungkot ako she would never fails to make me smile kahit sobrang bigat ng problema ko. I really hope she would never leave me 'cause if that happens for sure it would really make blue. She's sweet... correction very sweet pala, thoughtful, kind, understanding and fun to be with. Sounds good to be true right? Believe me she's real. Yesterday she even left a comment on my friendster account saying that...




  • hay kuya alwayS remeMber pOh na d2 lanG akO di pOh kita iiwaN proMIse!!! doN't feeL that uR alOne coz i am heRe tO stay wiTh U nO mattEr what happeN i'll be by uR side!! to coMFort U!!! tO hir Ur proBleMs!!! we can coNquer oLL those proBleMs by facing it together... i know i'm nOt that iMportant to U...but i'm here always!! to give U a jOy!!! mostly, weN uR in pain

    kuya kakaiyak talga uNg blOg muH.. T,T

    lifesaver.
    aviel"

Isn't that sweet or what. I'm so touched by her sweet caring words to me..

"Aviel thank you for being so good to me. I swear I will do my very best for this friendship to last. Always remember that I'm always here for you no matter what happens and expect me to never let you go.. I need you..."



I hate it when my friend asks for my help and I can't seem to take her pain away from her. Last night one of my closest friend wasn't feeling good because of her mom and her BF. What's the connection you ask me? Well let me give you a back ground check... you see my friend's mom wasn't that cool when it comes to her BF, what I mean is that her mom doesn't want her BF to be anywhere near her. It seems like her mom doesn't trust her enough and that's the reason why my friend Jelly is feeling blue that night. Then she ask me if I could somehow give her a call 'cause she really needs someone to talk to but I can't make a call 'cause it almost midnight when she ask me to make a call and all the stores in our place is closed. I said if it's possible if we can talk it over through text messaging but she didn't replied to my question... Damn! Nagalit na yata sya? I really hate it when someone asks for help and I can't even do something for them. I know I ain't superman but I feel like it's kinda my responsibility to help them every time their down and broken. That night I felt as if I'm useless... a good for nothing friend. I didn't sleep that night thinking about her and the problems she's been going through. I want to help her but it seems impossible. I feel really bad about myself again. Bakit ba kung kailan nag decide na ako na mag concentrate on being happy again tsaka naman may mangyayaring katulad nito.. I know it's not my fault pero n aalala ko yung mga times when I was the one who needed help and when I told them that I needed them for sure asahan mong to the rescue sila sa akin para pasayahin ako ulit... I wish I could do that too... I'm really sorry Jelly if I didn't help you last night... I'm really-really sorry



Earlier I saw Dae again. I think it's been quite a while now since we last saw each other and because of that sobrang na-miss ko talaga sya. We both know that Dae is one of those few persons that still love me. I really love having her as my 'lil sister, she can be quite annoying sometimes but what the heck... she's the sweetest girl you'll probably meet in your lifetime and usually she can make me smile even though I find it hard to smile because of my problems. Mahal na mahal ko talaga sya, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin if I hadn't met someone as sweet as her. I do hope we'll stay forever as friends.. I really don't wanna lose her... she's all I have

9/20/08


Siguro nga may mga bagay na mas dapat pag tuunan ng pansin tulad ng pamilya
(kahit wala ako nun) at mga kaibigan
(meron ba ako nun?)... Bakit ba buhay pa ako up to now? Yan ang laging sinisigaw ng boses sa utak ko until earlier natauhan ako sa isang... ahhh isang kaibigan. Weird pero it's been a while now since I last used that word pero as I was reading her message to me parang something had struck me. Parang alam ko na ang purpose ko thanks to her sabi niya kanina..

"i dont know pero misyon ko na ata ang umintindi at magshare ng point of views ko sa iba.."

Na realize ko that I've been doing the same thing this past few years. Sabi nga ng remaining friends ko that ako daw ang pillar of strength nila pag nag kaka problema sila. I know I have lots of problems but I have to be strong for my sisters (that's what I call my female friends). Masyado akong naging self-centered this past few months. Laging sariling problema ko na lang ang iniisip ko... paano na lang ang mga sisters ko. I'm not alone pala and I just realized that there are some people out there who cares for me and understands me. I know it's hard to be happy with all these problems that keeps on clinging to me like maggots and not to mention those weird voices deep within me telling me that " I'm a nobody" But for them I'll try to be happy. Thank you 'cause somehow I still have you.

9/19/08


Na iinggit ako sa mga taong walang gaanong problema... I know lahat ng tao ay dumaranas ng mga problema pero hindi nila pinag dadaanan ang mga nararamdaman ko ngayon... Maswerte sila kasi may mga tao silang nakaksama at nag mamahal sa kanila, may mga napagsasabihan sila ng mga problema nila, may nahahawakan sila pag sila'y nag-iisa, may mga kakampi sila pag ang buong mundo ay tila ba tinalikuran sila. Unlike me, wala akong malapitan pag may problema ako, wala akong mahawakan at mayakap pag nag-iisa at umiiyak ako, wala akong kakampi pag ang lahat ay galit sa akin. Pakiramdam ko tuloy nag-iisa ako sa buhay. Oo nga at may magulang ako pero hindi kami close, oo nga at may mga kaibigan ako pero parang di naman nila ako tinatratong parang kaibigan. Nag sisimula na akong mawalan ng pag-asa sa buhay. Tila parang walang katapusan ang kalungkutang dinaranas ko. 'Di ko man lang magawang ngumiti o mag saya sa mga nangyayari sa akin Wala na akong natitirang rason para ipag patuloyang laro ng buhay.. lagi naman akong talunan.

Talunan, yan ang tingin ko sa sarili ko ngayon. Lagi kasi akong pinag-lalaruan ng mga taong pinaka-mamahal ko. It's either they leave me or make fun of me...


Sa buong buhay ko, marami nang nag sabi na hindi nila ako iiwan pero ako naman si tanga at maniniwala sa mga sinasabi nila. Kukunin nila ang tiwala ko at pag nakuha na nila yun, itatapon lang nila ito at hahayaang masaktan lang ako.. iiwan nang na-iisa at talunan.

Bakit ba sila ganun? Sa tingin ba nila isa lang akong laruan na pagkatapos gamitin eh itatapon nila ako o ipamimigay sa iba para pag laruan naman ng iba. Wala akong ibang hangad kundi ang sumaya at mag karoon ng isang tunay na kaibigan, hindi ako nag hahangad ng madaming pera, magagandang bagay o magandang buhay... gusto ko lang ng isang tunay na kaibigan at maging masaya.

9/18/08


Weird... the more I hurt myself just to divert all the pains that she caused me the more I remember her. I really don't know what to do anymore, it is as if my whole being is being suck up by an unknown force. I can't go on anymore. I don't even ask for this feeling it just so happen that I am quite prone to being hurt by my so-called friends and not to mention my past girlfriend. Am I that stupid? Am I some kind of a trash that they just dumped, crushed, and thrown away after they use me up. I'm tired. As my arm bleeds so is my heart. The only difference between these two is that my cuts in my arm will heal someday unlike the cuts in my heart. No amount of time can heal this. Sometimes I just wished that I would melt or dissolve in the thin air but we both know that it can only happen in those movies. I'm really desperate for someone to love me, whether it maybe love as friends or the real "love" that you get from that special someone. The only problem is that it seems like theres no such person existing these days. Theres no such thing as happy ending.. I'm thinking, no matter how happy the ending was.... still it has ended.

How can I let go of her if her memories haunts me every now and then? How can I discard her memories? Napapagod na talaga ako. I know wala ng pupuntahan itong feelings ko for her, I have given up so much for her and yet look me right now...broken, cold and all alone. Iniwan ko ang mga kaibigan ko for her, sinaway ko mga utos ng magulang ko, at nag pakasira ako and all of these for what? It's been 2 weeks since we last saw each other and my heart aches for her presence. Lahat gagawin ko mahanap ko lang siya, without her I don't think I could live much longer. It is as if tinanggalan ako ng reason to live... Bakit siya ganon? Saan ako nag kulang? So many questions and yet I can't seem to find just a single answer to those "why's"

9/17/08


As I was bumming around( again) with my diary, I saw her entries again. I really miss her so much. I always wonder if she's OK or if she's doing fine with her life. The night I made Jelly's entry here on my BLOG the other day was the longest night I ever had in a while. I can't seen to get her out of my mind, When I tried to close my eyes it is still her memories that haunts me. What's happening to me? Maybe it's just that I really miss her. It's been quite a while now since we " really talked" to each other. Nowadays kasi we just sent messages once in a blue moon unlike before and usually our messages are just the usual " Hi's and Hello's" When will be that day when we will finally catch things up? Parang ayaw na yata nya akong kausap eh... Too bad 'cause I really treated her as if she's really my friend/sister. Anyway, I hope that she's always doing great with her life...unlike me. I hope she'll stay as my friend for GOOD.

Remember her? She's my little sister dae. Siya na yata ang pinaka ka-close ko na tao dito sa lonely place called Earth. It's almost three years na kaming mag kakilala and from that day
(MArch 20' 2005) I promised her that I will do anything for her as in lahat! Sobrang laki ng utang ko sa kanya kasi before if I hadn't met her that day siguro wala ako ngayon dito at nagsusulat dito sa BLOG ko. She means the world to me, Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses na niya akong natulungan pag may problema ako angd although she's just a kid... correction "dalaga" na pala siya, magaling siyang mag payo yun nga lang matigas talaga ulo ko at hindi ko siya sinusunod (pero minsan lang yun). For me kahit nag karoon ako ng mga past gf's dati she's still the number one girl in my life.. minsan nga parang mas mahal ko pa siya sa mga naging gf's ko eh at madalas pinag aawayan namin ng mga naging gf ko si Dae kasi I still keep a photo of her sa wallet ko. I really don't know kung ano ang mangyayari sa akin if mawawala siya sa akin, maybe I'd rather die kapag nawala siya (corny pero totoo yun). Dae will always have a special place in my heart, her laughter will be forever etched in my mind, her smiles will bring joy to me forever... I hope she will not leave me.

"Dae thank you for being such a wonderful sister/friend to me. Hindi ko man nasasabi ito before pero believe it kasi it's all true. Mahal na mahal talaga kita. I'm glad kasi I have you Dae. 'till next time. I love you Dae"

I really don't know whats happening to me.. It is as if I don't know myself anymore. Maybe I'm just having a very rough day... Minsan mas gusto ko pang magkulong sa room ko at mag isip ng mag isip about how my life is going to waste. Hindi ako ganito dati, to be honest with you masayahin tao talaga ako, laging naka ngiti at naka tawa. Mahilig din ako mag joke kahit minsan yung iba eh medyo corny but they still laugh at it. I love being with my friends, pero look at me now... wasted and always sad. I hate being me.. I hate my current situation now. Siguro nag start akong mag bago because I was hurt by the very same person that taught me to love. I can't seem to forget her, It is as if her memories still haunts me every time I close my eyes, her voice still lingers in my ears, I can still hear her laughters... I gave her my all and yet look at me now... broken. Although I still smile pero hindi na tulad ng dati. I find it hard to trust people again afraid that they too will hurt me again. I'm tired being "me"

Break ups...How do cope up with it? Some says that they will try to forget it by drinking the night away with some nasty drinks, some will find and replace their former partner with a new one. Some will even hurt themselves just to divert the pain of their breakups...If you would ask me what am I gonna do I would just stare at you blankly... 'cause I really don't know what to do if that happens to me. Although before I tried killing myself with the use of some sleeping pills and three cuts in my wrist but guess what? I didn't die...(sigh)

It's kinda hard to lose someone who is really dear to you. It's far much worst than being hit by a car or those cuts in my wrist that I made before. I really losing the one that I love I'm pertaining to my friends. Right now they are far more important than my damned life and I would do anything for them. Most of my friends doesn't even know how much they mean to me. I just remembered Buen (my new friend). She said that "You're never be alone if you're with GOD.. paborito ko tong quote na to eh.. galing to sa mensahe ni Ptr. Ed Lapiz "Why do we have to love GOD above all? Coz people and things may come to pass but God's love remains forever. He will never leave us nor forsake us as we choose to be with HIM." Maybe she's right pero I can't help it.. I'm kinda desperate when it comes to friends. In my set of friends now I can only name a handful of them who really cares for me, Mikah, Dae, Get, Buen, Jelly ann, Aviel sino pa ba? Anyway I hope and pray that none of them will leave me... they are all I have. They are much more important than any thing in this world....

9/15/08


Alone? well ganyan na yata ang kinalakihan ko..I'm always been a loner I really don't know why pero parang natatakot akong makisalamuha sa mga tao. Siguro takot lang talaga ako kasi everytime I try to open up my true "me" lagi sila umiiwas. Don't get me wrong I'm not that bad tulad ng mga kontrabida sa mga telenovela sa TV, I'm ujust your ordinary kid who is in need of a friend..a real friend. Madalas I get jealous sa mga kakilala ko because they hyave lots of friends while on the other hand ako wala ni isa, well correction! I still got some friends pa pala. Ang gulo ko noh, actually even I don't understand myself sometimes..uhmm most of the times pala. My point is that I'm still not going to lose hope na someday mahahanap ko na din yung one true friend..a friend who will not gonna leave me and that he or she will accept me just the way I am. I'm really desperate! maybe you can help me...are you going to take the risk of being my friend?

9/14/08


Being alone is what I do best..It is as if all my boring life I've been left out, rejected, and hurt a thousand times by the same persons who I trusted. It's kinda sucks right? Actually I really don't know why I'm treated this way by my so-called friends.. But you know what I still care for them... I still love them even if they did some nasty stuff to me in the past.. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at them. I'm just puzzled because why out of all the persons living in this lonely place called Earth eh ako na lang lagi ang nakaka-experience ng mga bagay na ito? Ano ba ako? Problem Magnet ba ako? I just wanna be loved back. But I guess it ain't gonna happen 'cause those things happens only in the silver screen.
video I've been posting up my problems and the people who helped me get through with those problems all this time and I'm thankful 'cause I've met them...they are the real reason why I'm still here in this lonely place called Earth. Some of them left me but that doesn't mean that I'll have the right to be angry or whatsoever. But sometimes I just wished that they won't leave me.. nakakasawa na kasi eh. Yun bang lahat gagawin mo for them and yet they have the guts to hurt you after all you've done(that sucks!) I can't blame them for their sudden change of attitude towards me, ganon talaga ang buhay...nobody stays forever. Some says that one of the reason why people hold on to memories so tight is because memories are the only things in life that don't change when everything else does... If only I could find that someone who will never leave me siguro magiging mas masaya ang buhay diba? I'm tired of being left out... my friends, family, and not to mention my ex-girlfriends...all of them left me broken and damage. I don't think I can hold on anymore.. I'm starting to lose hope.. I ain't got any more reason left to continue on living... I hate being alone..Every night I wished that when I wake up the following morning I'll be in some place that I'll be loved. It's kinda hard to wake up each morning knowing that your gonna face all day all alone... I'm really tired of this game called life...

Last night I was bumming around with my diary last 2006 when I came across my entries bout this girl...her name is Jelly. If my memory serves me right it was July 06, 2006 when we first met. At first I just thought that our friendship would just last for a couple of weeks but I spoke too soon. She turned out to be one of my best female friends I ever got. She's just a sophomore back then and to tell you honestly she's the first person to call me "kuya" and that really made me somehow happy. We usually talk about high shcool life, her crushes, grades, problems and anything under the sun. She's really sweet, caring and thoughtful and at the same time she's also fragile. I remember clearly that one fateful night, she texted me this message ( I still keep her text messages after all this time)

" kuya! help... nanaginip ako ng masama, natatakot ako, sori d q mapiglan d umiyak. ung dog s kpt bhay nmin kumakhol."

Date: August 26, 2006
Sender:+639063003346

After reading this I felt this weird feeling. I'm glad 'cause at last somebody needed me. I really felt wonderful that night. We talked until I can hear our neighbors stupid rooster. I really-really miss her. It's been two long years since we last really talked.. and God knows how much I really miss her. I miss our talks, her laughter, the way she teases me... i miss her so much. Someday I'm still hoping that our friendship will go back the way it was before. I'm forever thankful for having her as my friend and her memories will be forever etched in my heart. I really don't know whats happening to her right now but whatever she's doing now or wherever she is I hope and pray that she'll be happy always. I don't have clue if she still likes me to be her "kuya" but that doesn't mean that I don't care for her anymore. I really love her and that won't change whether she talk to me or not. She's my life saver. She did once picked me up during the times when I'm pretty busted and down. Oh God I miss her na talaga!

9/13/08


I got this friend whom I met a couple of months ago. Her name is Mikah. At first I thought our friendship would probably last a couple of days maybe weeks but I spoke to soon.. she eventually became one of my treasured friends ever. She's sweet, thoughtful and most of all she understands me. I really like her and I made her a promise that I will never gonna leave her..sasamahan ko sya sa lahat ng mga pinagdadaanan nya. But recently, she suddenly had this problem which eventually would change her life completely... I tried to comfort her but It seems futile 'cause every time she breaks down I can't seem to make her happy or even make her smile and that really hurts. It hurts to see her crying, lonely and pained by her problems. I wished I could do something for her. If only I could trade places with her or just carry her load I would do that for her. She once saved me from the brink of destruction and now I can't even save her. She means a lot to me..she's all I have. If only she would just let me carry her load...but she won't let me. All I can do is try my very best to comfort her. I really-really love her and I don't wanna to sit down and watch my her deal with her problems on her own. I have to do something... I know I ain't superman who can fly just to be with her in a split second...I'm just a friend... a friend who really cares for her

9/12/08


Have you fallen in love before? Well almost everyone of you would probably say yes but let me rephrase my question. Have you been in love with your best friend? Maybe not all of you have been into this situation but I tell you It's kinda hard to be in this kind of situation. I have been once in loved with my friend...my only friend. But she died not knowing that I love her too...Huh?!? "...love her too?" yup you read it right, she's also in love with me but she's just too shy to tell it 'cause she doesn't want to ruin our friendship... It was raining hard that day when we decided to go malling to celebrate my coming graduation(high-school). It was the most wonderful day I've ever had next to the day that I met her. It was about 9:30 pm when we left the mall. We decided to walk for us to enjoy our "remaining time together". To make this story short, we were robbed by 4 guys who later on killed my friend...my love. She was stabbed near her stomach area , I crawled to her , "Sally I'm sorry.." but I was cut short when she opened her mouth and weakly said " Saul I'm sorry... remember our only rule when it comes to our friendship? I had broken it... I LIED!".. It's OK I forgive you... " No! You don't understand! Saul I love you!" I was shocked after hearing those words... she really loves me...at last somebody loved me... But before I could say "i love you too" to her she died.. She died not knowing that I too was in love with her.. 8 years has passed and yet I still wished I have said my I LOVE YOU to her...



in memory of sally
*march 28 2008

As I was bumming around with my pastor's computer earlier, I stumble upon some old photos that I had collected before..
As I was looking at them I realized that so many had changed in the past few months.. I am talking about my friends sin our local church.. particularly in our youth. I don't know if I am the one who have changed or is it them (maybe both). I miss those times that we hang out and watch some movies while some of us are cooking their "merienda". I miss hearing those laughter, seeing their smiles, teasing each other... those are the things that I miss from them. Throughout my entire boring life..there are lots of them who told me that they loved me and that I shouldn't be sad or feel that I'm being left behind..yeah I got their point but with all of them saying those words of encouragement..why is it that I still feel that I'm alone? Why is it I still feel that pain whenever I see them. I'm still craving for some real loving... Why can't they show me, make me feel that I belong...and that I am loved..

9/9/08


Sometimes no matter how hard we try to save a relationship it just keeps on destroying itself. Para bang wala kang magawa kundi ang panoorin mong unti-unting mawala sa'yo ang taong mahal mo. To tell you the truth I've done some crazy and stupid things just to save my past relationship. I even tried commiting suicide just for her to reconsider her descision of leaving me but I guess were just not meant to be together anymore. My point is, don't be so dumb when it comes to relationships...love is blind but it ain't stupid

Last Sunday my friend told me that it is her ex bf that convinced her that she must continue what she was having...what I mean was her baby. Well that actually made me somehow sad 'cause all this time I thought she was kinda listening to me but I guess I was wrong.... It felt like I'm kinda useless. I don't know why I'm feeling this stupid pain... ano ko ba siya? She's just my friend.. well actually she's one the few remaining friends that I have. I know this time I lost all hope to be her man. Sometimes I always wished that all those " I LOVE YOU's " that she keep on telling her bf were mine but I guess somethings are not meant to happen. I just hope that someday I too will find my special someone. It's kinda hard to live life without someone to hold on to or just to make you feel that you are wanted and needed. It's been quite been a while now since the last time somebody told me that she LOVE me and It's been centuries ago since I felt that I am LOVED.

9/5/08


I want you to meet my new friend Roselei... If my memory serves me right It was two weeks ago when we first met. I don't know why the heck I'm doing this post? Maybe I'm just happy 'cause I think I found myself a new friend....a real friend. You quite know that I'm not that lucky when meeting new friends but maybe she's the one I've been looking for a real friend. Anyway I just hope that she won't be like my previous friends. I'm quite tired of being left alone. I swear I'll do my very best for this friendship to last....Hi Roselei and welcome to my life.

Last night my friend(the one I've been talking about for quite sometime now because of her being pregnant) texted me saying that she's finally made up her mind. She told me that she won't abort her child anymore. That's good, real good! But deep inside of me there's this pain thats been bugging me. I know I should be happy for her but I also know that sooner or later she would soon forget me and go on with her not-so-ordinary-life. And I know for sure that she and her bf will one day get married and that's my cue to exit in her life. I really don't know whats happening to me...in fact I can't even understand my own feelings for her....one things for sure and that is I'm confused... I like her, yes that's true but theres something more... Arghhh! I hope someday she'll find her true happiness and I hope she'll find it in her soon-to-be husband. I'm really happy for her even though I know someday she'll eventually forget me.. Though I've only met her recently, her memories will be forever etched in my heart...

9/2/08


We all wanna be love , some people will do anything for the one that they love...as in lahat gagwin mo mapasaya mo lang sya...maging kuntento syo para 'di ka nya iwan . Lahat na yata na gawa ko na sa ngalan ng pag-ibig pero wala na yatang tatalo sa pag aattempt kong mag-pakamatay para lang sa isang taong minahal ko. If my memory serves me right, it was February 2005 when I decided to end it(my life). Three months na kasi hindi nag papkita ang gf ko sa akin and to think we live in the same town. I don't know if she's hiding from me or what. One day I told myself if get hospitalize maybe my girl would come and visit me and everything would be ok again. So, after 28 tablets of sleeping pills and a nasty cut on my right wrist there I was in the hospital. I told myself that sooner or later my girl would probably be here..I waited and waited but she didn't come. Then before I lose all my hopes on her she showed up with this guy...I thought he's just one of my girls cousins....I spoke to soon... "Saul, I came here to just break up with you. This is mike my new bf. I came here just to check up on you if your ok." DAMN!! After all I've done for her...she would just give me a bucket of tears...why? I still asked this question to my self... saan ako nag kulang?

Have you ever felt like nobody seems to care or nobody even bothers to ask if your Ok? It's hard to wake up every morning knowing that theres not even a single soul out there who considers you as a friend. If you haven't felt that in your entire existence then your lucky. I have to wake up each morning feeling so empty, so cold and alone. I don't know whats happening to me. Maybe I'm just feeling a little bit blue today. All my life Ive met friends who claims that they won't leave or forsake me but look at me now...I'm here all alone. I had a friend once but she died..she died while I was holding her. We were robbed a couple of years ago and she died trying to save her bag. While she was dying I asked her whats so important in that stupid bag of hers and she told me whats inside...It was a letter...a love letter for me...I was shocked. All those months she was secretly in-love with me. I don't know what to say...She died after a few seconds. Maybe she just hold on to her dear life for a couple of seconds just to tell me how much she loved me...she died not knowing that I loved her too..I love her from the moment I saw her..and I swear I will keep on loving her even though she's not here with me. I'll be waiting here patiently. Maybe If she hadn't died I won't go through this pain everyday 'cause I know she'll never let me feel all alone again. I MISS HER SO MUCH
video I really miss those days when we all hang out just thinking about nothing, I could still here those laughter and not to mention those corny jokes. Too bad some things are not meant to last. Laughter usually ends up in sorrows, joy replaced by pain and friends do come and go and what about me? I'm still here, waiting for that final moment that I won't be alone anymore,...waiting for the moment that I too will be loved. I hate being alone and I hope this pain inside of me will cease. I can't hold on anymore.
 


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